The movies is a beautiful thing.
The original Tron was a movie about a gentleman who got sucked into a magical computer world on account of some kind of computer virus or something. He played this bullshit frisbee game and zipped around on a magical bicycle, all the while making friends with the magical computer elves that make the computer go. Everything was blue, and it hurt my eyes. Thirty or so years later, Disney’s cramming Tron: Legacy down our gullets, and America’s not going to take it. Maybe in the 80’s people were dumb enough to think that a computer is full of elves, but these days, even a school child knows exactly what’s inside a computer: a wizard.
The trailer begins with Jeff Bridges telling his son about the shitty first Tron movie and being obnoxiously coy about the whole thing, which wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t walk out of the room to never return. Can you imagine your dad telling you half of a story (let’s say, for example, the plot of the shitty first Tron movie), and then disappearing for like twenty years? You’d actually probably lose interest in the second half of the story, realistically!
BUT MAYBE HE’S NOT REALLY GONE AT ALL, on account of some guy who looks like Michael Douglas telling Jeff Bridges’ now grown-up and even more bland son that he got a page from Jeff Bridges’ arcade. “That number’s been disconnected for twenty years!” Yeah, Michael Douglas Guy, that’s almost as weird as the fact that you’re still using a pager.
So now Jeff Bridges’ bland son also gets sucked into the magical computer world! Only now instead of being full of shitty CGI effects, now it’s full of unnecessary CGI effects! The most exciting unnecessary CGI effect is the digitally younger and also perhaps evil Jeff Bridges, whose digitally younger face is revealed in one of the most dramatic moments of the trailer. Except it’s not, because we’ve already seen digitally younger Jeff Bridges, digitally age regressed to the exact same age, in a much less dramatic reveal, basically ruining the whole thing. This would be like if I showed you my penis right there in the restaurant on our first date. It would totally destroy the surprise of seeing it in the car on the way home!
Spoiler alert: Daft Punk are doing the music for the picture. I don’t think they did the music for the trailer, though, because the music for the trailer is from Inception. How many Daft Punk song title puns can I make in one sentence of this review? Let’s find out. Proving false the assertion that “Television Rules The Nation,” “Around The World,” audiences are going to feel “Alive” and “Human After All” while watching Tron: Legacy, which promises to be an all around “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” sequel, featuring “Aerodynamic” redesigns of classic Tron imagery while maintaining “High Fidelity” to the original, along with the “Robot Rock” of Daft Punk that will have audiences “Rolllin’ & Scratchin’” along with it, prompting them to see the film not just once, but “One More Time” after that, assuming the projector doesn’t “Short Circuit” after “Revolution 909” of the reel. “Da Funk.” Thirteeeeeeeen!
The rest of the trailer is CGI bullshit that a wizard did. Please go back to making movies with actual characters, Hollywood.
THREE STARS DUE TO THE “LEGACY” IN THE TITLE IS ACTUALLY A HILARIOUS PUN, BECAUSE SEE, IF A PIECE OF HARDWARE OR SOFTWARE IS “LEGACY,” IT MEANS THAT IT’S OUTDATED BUT STILL FUNCTIONAL AND USEFUL IN THE CURRENT SYSTEM ARCHITECTURE, E.G. OLDER DATABASE PROGRAMMING PRESENT IN MANY MAINFRAMES, WHICH IS FRANKLY A REAL SIDE-SPLITTER.
