The title screen of The Expendables shows a raven flying away from a crystal skull on top of an attache case. If this doesn’t tell you right off the bat how balls-to-the-wall this movie is, maybe the fact that it features every dang guy who’s ever fired a gun in a movie and had it actually hit another dude would tip you off. We’re talking about a movie where Rambo, John...
STEP UP 3D
I learned a lot from the trailer for Step Up Three Dee The Streets. I learned that people dance because dance can change things. I learned that one move can bring people together. I learned that one move can make you believe like there’s something more. I learned that one move can set a whole generation free. I learned that you don’t have to cite any examples to make vast,...
Kyle Hardbody thought he had it all: money, looks, popularity, enormous pictures of his face, a guitar, white. Uh oh, though, because he’s also sort of a dick. Then again, when you go to school with people apparently named Sloan Alberts and Trey Madison, you have to sort of grade on a curve in the douche department. In his arrogance, Kyle Biceps pisses off Seven of Nine, who curses...
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
The trailer for Eclipse calls itself, in big sparkly letters, “THE MOTION PICTURE PHENOMENON THE WORLD IS WAITING FOR.” I would call it the single most inane bit of cinematic nothingness I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life. Hold on, let me rephrase that: For one minute and thirty nine seconds, it was like my entire sensory world turned to white noise, and then there’s just...